Goodbye Gibbs
by Burntsugrr
Summary: Gabby type reaction to Hiatus II.
1. Chapter 1

Goodbye Gibbs

Chapter One

Under her desk, her hippo hugged to her chest Abby fought the tears back. The urgent sting behind her lids suggested they wouldn't be held off much longer, but for now she just needed to keep it together.

If only he had allowed her to speak, to throw her arms around him and talk sense to him, but Gibbs had placed that single finger over her lips before kissing her cheek. He probably thought that moment of tenderness replaced all the words that weren't spoken between them but nothing ever could, ever would balm the wound he left by tearing himself from her life.

Raw and exposed she shivered and waited for the clock to tick into place. When she unleashed this pain it would be relentless and never ending. She wasn't sure she'd ever walk back into the lab that she loved after today, even if she did, nothing would ever be the same.

McGee came in and sat with her on the floor for awhile. He was as shell-shocked as she and didn't bother to offer any words of comfort; he just sat and held her hand. Tony had called him away; it was smart of him, not allowing the mourning to continue, to give the team focus. Tony hadn't bothered to try to pull Abby back; it was clear in her eyes that she was already gone.

She tugged her bag over her shoulder and looked around the room. It had let her down, this space; it was supposed to be the place she was in control. She startled a little when she realized the director was waiting at her door.

"C'mon Abby, I'll take you home."

"Um, no thanks Director Shepard, I have my hearse here."

"I know, I saw it in the lot." Jenny smiled, "I'd still like to drive you home."

"I seem that messed up?"

"I just know the look, I've been left behind by Jethro Gibbs myself Abby."

"Oh, right. Okay." She took her animal, her bag and her keys and followed the director out.

In the car there was uncomfortable silence until they were off base. "Do you want to stop and get a drink, maybe talk a little?"

"No, thank you director Shepard, I just want to get home and"

"Cry." The director took Abby's hand and squeezed it.

"Yeah."

As Abby got out of the car Jenny told her, "He didn't leave you Abby, he left NCIS. I've seen him walk away in anger before, but he's never abandoned the people he cares for. Try not to worry."

All she could do was shake her head and say thank you before running inside her place.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Her plan had been to get directly into her coffin, shut the lid, something she rarely did any more, and cry. There was no plan beyond that. She shed her clothes and started to her room but as she remembered his face, burned, angry and tired she had to run for the bathroom. She was sick over and over again, lying on the tile floor, cold against her legs, her arms rested on the seat of the toilet, her face swollen, red, tear stained.

The coffin seemed too comforting now, and she didn't want comfort, she wanted to sit in her pain. It came over her, wave after wave of emotion. Gibbs had walked away, her protector, her friend, the man against whom she measured all the men in her world. He hadn't wanted to hear her speak, didn't care to hear about her pain. His promises had meant nothing.

She thought of how she felt when she had heard about the explosion. She couldn't get to him quickly enough. They were tighter than family, that's what she had told the nurse, that's what she had believed but she was wrong. He had allowed her to feel special and she had trusted him enough to allow it herself.

You don't just walk away from someone that special. You walk away from co-workers. You walk away from people you don't care about. All those times he had smiled at her, rubbed her back, brought her Caff-Pow's, kissed her cheek, told her he loved her in signs only they would understand evaporated when the elevator doors closed behind him.

How many other people had he allowed to feel this way? She had been stupid to think that he treated her in a way he had never treated anyone. Every job he'd had there was probably a girl or two crying when he left, the same way she cried now. Screaming, sobbing, and ripping her throat to bits in disappointment and fear.

She could never have left him, how could it have been so easy for him to feel so little?

Exhausted, physically and emotionally her breath hiccupped through her in painful bursts. The tension released from her body, her arms and legs were useless to her now, unwilling to follow the smallest command. She lay on the floor and could only listen as the phone rang and the machine did what she couldn't.

"Abby? It's me Tim. Call me."

"Hey, It's McGee, let's have dinner. Give me a call okay?"

"Abigail? It's Doctor Mallard. I promised Jethro I'd make certain you were okay. Are you home dear?"

No, JETHRO, she thought after Ducky's call, I'm NOT Okay. I trusted you and you left me like everyone else has. Ducky's not going to cut it, you can't send in a replacement when you're tired of the job.

"Hi Abbs, me again, um okay, call me. Yeah? Okay."

The calls kept coming. Even Tony tried her once leaving a brief "It's gonna be fine Abbs."

She barely had the energy to blink. It wasn't going to be okay. They'd all miss Gibbs, but this was different. Or it wasn't, she thought angrily. It was for her, but for him it was the same, he left them all, exactly the same.

In between the calls from her coworkers (her anger wouldn't permit her to label them friends just now) there were hang ups. She figured they were McGee, she could sense the worry in him when Tony had called him away. He had leaned to kiss the top of her head as he left but she had pulled away. She felt bad about that, but the gaping hole in her chest didn't allow for much pity for anyone but herself.

Trying to sit up Abby's shoulder crashed into the toilet. A clanging noise behind the tank caught her attention and time froze when her eyes focused on the small piece of metal on the floor. It was years ago that she had stashed the razor blade there. It was a testament to how far she'd come that she had forgotten something that had once been such a deep ritual for her. Her fingers shook as she reached out to touch it but then pulled back her arm as though it might burn her.

She had never hurt this deeply back when she was cutting herself. If ever there was a time to let out some of the pain this was it. Her mind flashed back to all of the times before, watching the thin red line appear on her arm and feeling the flood of relief that accompanied it. Scars like badges of pain had been covered long ago with tattoos.

Abby was the sweet spot for everyone. Abby was the happy one. Abby was the strong one. Abby never got depressed.

Did they have eyes?

The skulls, the darkness, the gothic look and hearse, these weren't fashion statements. Abby identified with the twisted, the broken, the things that looked pretty but weren't on the inside. It's a lonely childhood when no one can hear you cry. She stopped trying and just worked on being the good girl but the darkness seeped out, in her hair, in her clothes, in the scarlet lines that crossed her skin.

Gibbs heard her cry. He heard her and he came and comforted her and made her believe that she wasn't broken or twisted or ugly inside. He made her feel like he would always hear her and come to her when she was certain no one would.

And now he was gone, but the blade was here.

It used to take such a small tear in her skin to make her feel better. Maybe it wouldn't take much more this time.

She chose a space on her thigh, closed her eyes and began to apply pressure to the razor.

The phone ring and she held her breath.

"This is Abby, hit me with it:"

So quiet she wasn't sure she heard him, "Abbs?"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

She knew he wouldn't repeat himself. Feeling drunk and blurry without ever having taken a drink she fought the snot filled thickness in her head and flung herself toward the phone.

"Gibbs?" Her voice sounded desperate but she didn't care. If it was him he might as well know how she felt and if it wasn't…

"Are you okay?"

She didn't have time to worry about the 'if it wasn't'. His voice soothed even as it angered her. "Okay? She practically screamed it back at him. No Gibbs, I'm not okay, I'm as far from okay as I've been in a long time. What makes you think I could be anywhere near okay?"

He closed his eyes. Her throat sounded even more graveled than usual, a sign that she'd been crying hard. He could picture her pacing and becoming ever more chaotic inside her mind.

If he had been able to see through the phone he would have been surprised to find she wasn't pacing at all, she was lying on the floor, in the fetal position, her eyes shut tight against the world.

"Abbs." He caressed her with his voice, "It's going to be alright. I promise."

"I don't believe you." The tired voice of a small child admonished him. "You don't leave, Gibbs, that's not what you do."

"I have to." He knew he shouldn't have called; he didn't want to get pulled into a discussion. The problem was he couldn't leave with the mental image of Abby's face when he'd kissed her cheek. Her eyes haunted him. It was his last selfless act. He reconsidered, thinking that it wasn't entirely selfless, his concern for Abby.

"Where are you going?"

"I want you know I care about you."

"NO! Stop it! If you cared you wouldn't leave." Though she wouldn't have believed there could be any tears left she began to cry again.

"Please don't cry darlin'."

"When?"

"Tomorrow morning."

"I want to see you tonight."

He bowed his head, his heart racing. This was supposed to be a quick cut. He was supposed to be able to turn his back and walk away from everything at a moments notice with no regrets. It was what he promised himself back in 1991 when his heart died.

"I'm on my way." He whispered before he flipping his phone shut.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Gibbs rang the bell but got no answer. Calling out to her he tried the door and found it open. She was on her sofa, black make up staining her face in streaks made by the tears he'd caused.

"It's not safe leaving your door open like that Abbs." He sat next to her and pulled her into his arms.

"Don't care."

"Well I do. Promise me you'll start locking your door."

She rolled her big green eyes up to him, "Promise me you'll be at work Monday morning."

"Can't do that, Abby."

They sat in silence for awhile, her head against his chest, listening to the beat of his heart. "You really scared me you know."

"I know."

"They wouldn't let me in close enough to touch you, and then when you woke up Tony wouldn't let me leave the lab until I had processed all of his evidence."

"Good."

"Gibbs!"

"If it were McGee in the hospital would I have let you leave before you were finished work?"

"No." she admitted grudgingly.

He smiled.

"Tony's not you."

"He is now." His fingers stroked her arm absently.

She didn't look at him when she asked, "Are you scared?"

"Of what?"

She shrugged, "I mean, is that why you're quitting, I guess I could understand not wanting to be blown up again."

He laughed, "No, I'm not scared of blowing up, not from a bomb anyway."

"Then why?"

"I watched men die today that could have been saved. I did everything in my power to save them and someone else chose to let them die to save face. I can't be a part of that."

She sat up and faced him, "What about all the people that didn't die because of you? You can't save everybody even if you do your job perfectly every day, but you can't save ANYBODY if you just run away."

"I'm not running." He exhaled away his exasperation. "I'm tired Abby. Some days I feel like I go home 20 years older than I was when I drove in."

She touched his temple and smoothed the hair there lightly, cautious of the still red and bruised skin. "You're not old."

He took her fingers and kissed them. "Promise me you'll start locking your doors."

Her eyes became red again, "I promise."

"I'm not telling anyone how to reach me" he began.

"Not even the director?" Abby chimed in before snuggling back under his protective wing.

"Especially not the director." He didn't add out loud that Jenny could find him anywhere in the world, it didn't matter if he told her where he'd be. "But I'm going to give you a number you can call if you need me. This number is STRICTLY for emergencies Abbs, you understand?"

"Is my heart breaking an emergency?"

He kissed the top of her head, "You won't even miss me in a few weeks."

"That's not true. I'll miss you forever."

"Not forever, just for awhile. You'll see me again."

"I will?" she got excited.

"Have I ever missed your birthday?"

"Nope."

"And I never will, you lock your doors, I'll never miss your birthday, deal?"

"Deal!"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Curled together they played the game of remember when for hours, traveling the memories of working together, and learning each other. They began with the humorous, moved through the serious, spent time in the sadness, through it all she kept her head rested to him where she could listen his breath move in and out of him and memorize the rhythm of it, make it a part of herself.

It was near dawn when Gibbs excused himself to her bathroom. When he came out his face was serious and angry.

"We agreed this would never happen again."

Sleepily Abby lifted her head from the sofa cushion, "What wouldn't Gibbs?"

He held the razor he'd found on the floor with a tiny bit of dried blood out to her. "THIS."

"Oh. That." She looked down.

"Yes, Abby, THAT. Where, show me where you cut yourself." His hands shook he was so enraged.

She lifted the edge of her skirt to reveal a tiny slice at her thigh. "It was an accident. I was crying, I tried to use the toilet to help myself up and it fell out from behind. I thought you were going to leave without saying goodbye."

"There's no excuse Abby. None. This can not go on. I don't care what happens you cannot use this to make yourself feel better, do you understand? You should have called me."

"What about next week, or next month? Is it an emergency when I miss you so much I have to bleed to let some of the pain out?"

"You don't have to bleed for me. I'll always hear you." He pressed a piece of paper with a phone number written on it into her palm. "Yes. It's an emergency if you're picking up a razor blade. I'll be here before you can make the first cut. I love you Abby."

She looked at the number and then at him. "Mexico?"

He smiled.

"So maybe when I get too sad instead of calling you I'll pull out my bikini and hop on a plane."

"Now every bikini in the distance will drive me crazy until I know if it's you." He kissed his finger and pressed it to the cut on her thigh before locking eyes with her, "No More."

She nodded her agreement and sniffled.

"You'd better get some sleep, and I have to pack. Come lock me out."

She stood and let him lead her to the door, their fingers laced together. "Hey Gibbs, wait!"

He stopped in the open door frame and turned to face her.

"What about the boat in your basement?"

"The Abigail Kate?" He leaned in and planted a soft and lingering kiss on her lips, "Some things are better left in the realm of what might have been."

She didn't say another word, just stood and watched in a daze as he got into his car and disappeared down her street. When he was gone she went inside to find a calendar and count the days until her next birthday.

The End.


End file.
